clothes off, lofi on.
time for a long one.. is this self reflection?
I just blew my entire first semester.. and my mental state has never been worse than it just was a few hours ago, its bouncing back though.
I think I need to reevaluate what i really have the discipline for. I don’t currently have the required discipline to do 21 credits remote. I guess taking a gap year wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all… waiting out the pandemic and the like.
So what do I do?
Well I haven’t given up completely… not yet.
Im trying to decide if i should just take a gap year, and hope in person classes resume next fall. or if i should lighten my load significantly and continue my education. Both of these options allow me to get a job and some vocational training in person (thank god). I think in person will help me build that discipline, at least i hope. 12 years of school already didn’t. But I’m working with someone to resolve my executive functioning shortfalls right now. So those things should improve… I still need to get my heart checked too…
Ive also scheduled to meet with a therapist in January for an evaluation… things have been getting much worse for me mentally, its almost like a roller coaster. But I guess that’s just life right, I eventually have to take action and fix myself. Things will get better. Admitting to myself the fact that i am lonely has also been really uh, painful? (if that’s the right word). I had friends in school, my school was small so not many. But i at least had people irl… and things were okay. But now we’re 2 years deep into a pandemic, my college isn’t going to go full in person any time in the foreseeable future, and Ive drifted from everyone i had irl. And I only have like 3-5 people online. And its really distressing, I’m scared that ill live out what should be my best years…. in isolation. I already went through enough of that in middle and high school and don’t want to ruin my second chance. But i feel so lost that i have no idea how to fix it.
The state of my family isn’t exactly good either…. I have absolutely no relationship with my middle sister, and as it stands i have no desire to fix it… She is so self absorbed, and treats my parents like dirt. What scares me is that my youngest sister seems to be going down the same path…. Its really painful to watch. But those aren’t really things i can control… Guess that kinda just adds onto those feelings of isolation and loneliness. (unrelated, but god i need to clean this keyboard!…. probably my sheets too, its been like 3 weeks now.. yikes!)
I kinda hoped college would be different, and that id meet people, make some friends… but… well, none of that has happened so far, most of the people in the class discords aren’t really my type… figures. Its a general school discord after all- who even talks in those!? I guess i don’t, or do i? I should probably check out those hubs further or something.. but I haven’t been able to really meet anyone thus far, i guess that’s why I’m more and more tempted to go to a vocational school and get a job every day now. At least then id make some money, even if its not much. I don’t particularly care about the money either way, i can make more money elsewhere. I’d get the social interaction that I so desperately need. I guess that’s also why i’m mainly applying for hospitality jobs. A lot of these senior homes include “free” access to their gyms too, which is a huge plus for me actually, Im not obese at all. but im really not fit or muscular either. that’s something i really want to change about myself. and since id already be there, i wouldn’t really have an excuse not to hit the erg for like 30 mins after a shift. Do seniors tip well?
Ive been writing this on and off for like 2 hours now so its probably best to just hit post.
time to take a nice hot shower and get to bed.
Every day is a new day, see you tomorrow! 😘
(PS, There is a role to view the channels now. I felt the baggage was getting too heavy. So if you want to see this in real time, go ahead and apply it.)