10\/16\/2023… 23:55<\/p>\n
Sorry to future me for neglecting last night’s entry. <\/p>\n
The last few days have been pretty typical except not I guess. work is more or less the same, except I feel like my phone usage has gone through the roof. I also might’ve lost a key to a display case, hopefully, I don’t get fucked for that one. I need to go buy a bow soon in case get canned. I doubt it but still, I show up every day when the other “new” guy in my dept can’t be answered. I should probably start trying harder.. act like I’m trying to climb the xxx corporate ladder when I’m really not. heh… imagine *me* in the c-suite. Would be kinda funny only ever working for one company but let’s be real promoting from the absolute bottom isn’t terribly common. Who knows, I still think I have something to gain here if I actually start trying, <\/p>\n
Blew off that math test today, I already made the decision last night when I realized there was no real way for me to pass when I took a look at that study guide. IDK if I’ll drop yet, I’ve basically failed the class at this point. 570 down the drain, eh it’s all my fault. I’m guessing I probably shouldn’t try and attempt again until I have a better grasp, maybe Kahnacademy or whatever. also skipped the yoga class which I kinda regret as it feels nice. Is whatever maybe I’ll do it on my own tmr morning. <\/p>\n
Reached out to someone I used to know from ~5 years ago for guidance, she gave me some manga to read which is hella cute and I find it relatable in some ways. At the same time, I had my last few entries dragged out in some conservative discord that I periodically hop into, I’m not conservative by any means but I sometimes get curious about how they’re doing in there. heh, well the main guy clicked my link and kinda freaked out, thought I was a super dedicated troll or whatever and that I’ve been “trolling” for the past 3 years. “5000 tr*nny” posts heh, please it’s like 10. But yeah, I got asked to leave when he realized it was all genuine which felt amazing in a weird way, some twisted sense of recognition I guess. Even if that was by no means the intent. Dude reached out to me in DMs after I left but that hasn’t really gone anywhere. I guess even entertaining the idea of being trans or whatever is super dangerous in his eyes. <\/p>\n
In a way it makes me want to explore it even more. If I end this walk just as a guy with a desire to crossdress I’ll at least be able to say I explored that part of myself, which is something most men won’t even entertain. Could that alone be indicative of something? maybe. Guess that’s why I’m walking this path in the first place. <\/p>\n
I really want to crossdress and might drive to a Goodwill a few cities over to try it out, people pay less attention in those stores so I won’t have to worry about getting stared at as much. I keep seeing an outfit that I *really* want to try on in the women’s section at work, but talk about shitting where you sleep. I can’t shop for girl clothes there in person… yet. Kinda unfortunate because my employee discount is *really* good and the closest other locations are all like 2 hours away, could order online but then I can’t try it on. <\/p>\n
It has tapered down a bit over the past few hours, but I’ve also been kinda distracted. Playing factorio with onion eheh. I still wish I was born a woman so meh. It’s still there somewhat even though I’m not actively giving it a ton of thought. Gonna keep introspecting and maybe seek out guidance from people who have more traditional stories, and see where that leads.<\/p>\n
There is a degree of urgency but i feel like I can get this mostly worked out over the next 6 months. I’d just rather not have to deal with it again in 20 years. So I’ll continue exploring, and it that leads me to drive a city over to get a script, so be it. (there’s a clinic that will give me what i want literally 5 mins from me but again, shitting where you sleep) <\/p>\n
Shaved off all my facial hair today as well, my hair is starting to get longer again and without facial hair I feel like I look like a fucking lesbian. …and I kind of like that. So I think I’ll go back to being clean-shaven for a little while. Also working up the courage to shave my legs below the knees, I really love my smooth thighs. If it weren’t for the hairline worries I’d be in a pretty good position I think. <\/p>\n
anyway yeah its kinda late and i should sleep (its 00:53 now) <\/p>\n