May 31 2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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They say the military makes the issues you already have worse, but I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s true. I feel like it can magnify them though. In hindsight I feel like I\u2019ve always been very mildly depressed, but it was mostly left to self esteem issues. And I could pass it off as \u201coh when my economic situation is better it won\u2019t be an issue, I was happy when I was independent after all\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Turns out that isn\u2019t really true. I have all my economic needs met and all it did was focus everything on my self esteem and social issues. I feel like it\u2019s almost worse. My episodes are getting more frequent and dark. Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping my ideation from going from passive to somewhat active is the fact that I still have commitments. The reason I say this is because I occasionally daydream about ending my life and it\u2019s beyond just being edgy. But at the same time I can\u2019t, I have commitments at work and I don\u2019t want to screw over others by being selfish. Something I considered was doing it during my PCS, but they\u2019ve invested so much to get me where I am I feel like that would also be selfish. I suppose I could switch to a lower value school but that still wastes all the effort they spent getting me ready to attend this one, something that\u2019s likely very soon. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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I had one of my worst episodes yet today, I went on a hike with a bunch of coworkers (around 15) through lava tube, everyone seemed to be having fun and I basically withdrew the second we got there. Walking far ahead and doing everything I could to avoid group photos. I feel like that first group photo triggered it. But I spent a lot of the hike thinking about how sad I am. I also feel like this is getting to the point where if I try getting help they\u2019ll hold me off the deployment, which would make me look like a shitbag. If I go I\u2019ll have commitments so I won\u2019t be at any risk then anyway. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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I just wish I could act normal, that I wasn\u2019t broken. I feel like everyone secretly hates me even though I know they don\u2019t, and I present myself such that I don\u2019t give a shit about any of them. Even though I do. I\u2019m mentally preparing to leave this place having made no connections, and zero progress on the issue I care about most. I feel powerless to fix this because I don\u2019t want ideation on my record but I\u2019m also terrified it\u2019ll get worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Maybe I\u2019ll add more to this later,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Goodnight \u2764\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
May 31 2026 They say the military makes the issues you already have worse, but I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s true. I feel like it can magnify them though. In hindsight I feel like I\u2019ve always been very mildly depressed, but it was mostly left to self esteem issues. And I could pass it off as […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-518","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/518","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=518"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/518\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":519,"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/518\/revisions\/519"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=518"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=518"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eternaluseonly.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=518"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}