May 31 2026

They say the military makes the issues you already have worse, but I’m not sure that’s true. I feel like it can magnify them though. In hindsight I feel like I’ve always been very mildly depressed, but it was mostly left to self esteem issues. And I could pass it off as “oh when my economic situation is better it won’t be an issue, I was happy when I was independent after all”.

Turns out that isn’t really true. I have all my economic needs met and all it did was focus everything on my self esteem and social issues. I feel like it’s almost worse. My episodes are getting more frequent and dark. Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping my ideation from going from passive to somewhat active is the fact that I still have commitments. The reason I say this is because I occasionally daydream about ending my life and it’s beyond just being edgy. But at the same time I can’t, I have commitments at work and I don’t want to screw over others by being selfish. Something I considered was doing it during my PCS, but they’ve invested so much to get me where I am I feel like that would also be selfish. I suppose I could switch to a lower value school but that still wastes all the effort they spent getting me ready to attend this one, something that’s likely very soon.

I had one of my worst episodes yet today, I went on a hike with a bunch of coworkers (around 15) through lava tube, everyone seemed to be having fun and I basically withdrew the second we got there. Walking far ahead and doing everything I could to avoid group photos. I feel like that first group photo triggered it. But I spent a lot of the hike thinking about how sad I am. I also feel like this is getting to the point where if I try getting help they’ll hold me off the deployment, which would make me look like a shitbag. If I go I’ll have commitments so I won’t be at any risk then anyway.

I just wish I could act normal, that I wasn’t broken. I feel like everyone secretly hates me even though I know they don’t, and I present myself such that I don’t give a shit about any of them. Even though I do. I’m mentally preparing to leave this place having made no connections, and zero progress on the issue I care about most. I feel powerless to fix this because I don’t want ideation on my record but I’m also terrified it’ll get worse.

Maybe I’ll add more to this later,

Goodnight ❤️